July 11, 2012
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Chuck Norris Originals (Latest revision: 7/10/2012)
Originally posted July 14, 2010 on my NaitoOfNarnia.Xanga.com account. Reposted with minor edits/additions.
All of these are original Chuck Norris Legend jokes…as far as I know. I made these up on the spot.
ENJOY!
Which ones do you like the best?1) Daddies with beautiful daughters no longer need shotguns when boys come a-calling. A picture of Chuck Norris on the front door with a note saying, “Chuck lives here,” now suffices.
2) The DNA of Chuck Norris is tough. Bad guys are scared of his unborn great-great-great-great grandkids.
3) Chuck Norris is an ideal missionary for God. He can scare the Hell outta people.
4) If God ever needed a bodyguard, He would call on Chuck Norris. Had Nick Fury called on Chuck Norris instead, the Avengers movie would have lasted five minutes.
5) Chuck Norris doesn’t need to be present to send fear into the hearts of bad guys. He sends a personally autographed post card while on vacation instead.
6) A battle between Chuck Norris and his clone would result in a never-ending battle.
7) Chuck Norris use sandpaper to shave.
8) Tornadoes and hurricanes start with a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
9) Chuck Norris is best friends with Thor, Hulk, and Hercules.
10) The thought of Chuck Norris makes lions and tigers and bears lay eggs. Oh my.
11) The sun reflects the greatness of Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris takes afternoon strolls on the sun during the winter.
12) Chuck Norris can juggle the asteroid belt. For a more daring move, he adds all nine planets and their moons…and razor-sharp katana blades.
13) With a single whistle, all dogs worldwide come in obedience.
14) When Chuck Norris inhales, the tide comes in. When Chuck Norris breathes out, the tide goes out.
15) Earthquakes happen when Chuck Norris’ tummy rumbles with hunger.
16) World time is set to the pace of Chuck Norris’ heartbeat.
17) No computer ever dares to tell Chuck Norris that there is an error.
18) Humans are afraid of alien death rays. Aliens are afraid of Chuck Norris death gaze.
19) Chuck Norris never takes a shower. Dirt and bacteria know better than to touch him.
20) If Chuck Norris was reincarnated, he would come back as Chuck Norris.
21) Santa Claus never dares to check to see if Chuck Norris was naughty.
22) If Chuck Norris ran for the president of the USA, the whole world would vote for him.
23) Chuck Norris has staring contests with the sun and wins. Fish also lose to Chuck Norris.
24) Before fighting Chuck Norris, bad guys dig their own graves as an act of courtesy.
25) Chuck Norris always has to be careful not to breathe in too deep lest the world suffocates.
26) Bad guys write thank you notes for every beating they receive from Chuck Norris.
27) Freddy Krueger has claws. Jason Voorhees has his machete. Both fear Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick.
28) Chuck Norris didn’t press his hands into wet cement on the Walk of Fame. He merely touched a block of dried concrete and his mark was left…including his finger prints.
29) Chuck Norris spars with God for 12 rounds straight. Rocky Balboa had Mickey; Chuck Norris had God.
30) When Chuck Norris shadow boxes, every shadow trembles with fear.
31) Chuck Norris plays yo-yo with Saturn.
32) Chuck Norris sharpens knives with his teeth flosses his teeth with knives.
33) Chuck Norris’ breakfast of champions is a bowl of shrapnel with bananas.
34) Bad guys fight amongst each other for the honor of being the first to have their butt kicked by Chuck Norris.
35) If Chuck Norris suddenly vanished from existence, the universe would implode.
36) Chuck Norris does morning swim laps in his backyard lava pool.
37) Because Chuck Norris has natural night vision, no ninja is safe in his presence.
38) A steam roller is the only way Chuck Norris can get a decent back massage.
39) Chuck Norris has never used a cell phone. He intercepts all frequencies with his beard.
40) The Earth spins because Chuck Norris wound up the key did a round-house kick.
Added June 30, 2012
41) Chuck Norris shoots hoops with the moon.
42) Gravity has an effect on Chuck Norris because he allows it.
43) Chuck Norris was banned from bowling tournaments due to his tendency to bowl 900-point games…in one frame.
44) Chuck Norris’ saliva is a natural cleaning ingredient in commercial products.
45) Bad guys who have faced Chuck Norris and lived to tell about it have only done so through special classes taught by a real possum.
46) Chuck Norris and Superman entered a sparring match. Chuck threw the bout only to save Superman’s reputation.
47) Chuck Norris whittles wood carvings with his fingernails.
48) Chuck Norris uses tar for chewing gum.
49) The only reason aliens would think no intelligent life exists on Earth is because they could not calculate Chuck Norris’ high IQ.
50) Whenever Chuck Norris goes somewhere, he always has to walk to the west. Walking to the east would cause the Earth to spin backwards.
Added July 10, 2012
51) Chuck Norris’ has never bowled a ball down the lane. He walks into the building and all 200 pins fall down.
52) Chuck Norris is the only bowler (besides me) to bowl a game over 300.
53) If Chuck Norris threw a lint ball down the bowling lane, he would get a strike.
54) Chuck Norris can bowl a strike, hit a grand slam, score a 3-pointer from downtown (no, literally, from the downtown area of the city), a touchdown, and a goal in both soccer and hockey at the same time.
55) Chuck Norris’ fast lap time around a race track is -7.76 seconds.
56) When swimming in shark-infested waters, the sharks all scream in fear, “Chuuuuuuck!”
57) Chuck Norris taught the Silver Surfer everything he knows.
58) Chuck Norris is the ultimate cowboy. During hog tying competitions, hogs tie themselves.
59) Chuck Norris can hit a home run without sending the ball to the bleachers. One roundhouse kick touches all four bases.
60) Chuck Norris plays soccer with solid steel balls.
Comments (14)
I love Chuck Norris!
Chuck Norris jokes never get old!
@KnightInCROATIANarmor - @CuddlyKat - Which ones did you guys enjoy the most?
And thank you for the recs!
@Rhindon - So many of them are funny, but I really liked 19,3. 8. & 38! And you deserved the rec!! :)
@CuddlyKat - I’m really glad you enjoyed them.
I’m no comedian, but I love being silly. These are the products of such verbal antics.
@Rhindon - Haha! Silliness is soo underrated! ;)
@CuddlyKat - And weirdness, which I am a natural.
@Rhindon - Ha! Same here! I think it’s very brave of us to admit it! hehe
@CuddlyKat - Brave? HA! I proudly revel in it. (Check out my Pulses a few entries back.)
@Rhindon - Okay. Checking away! :)
@Rhindon - Those demand a friend request! – Here it comes! :)
@Rhindon - To be honest, I didn’t read a single one couse I already know all of them.
But my personal favorites are: When his daughter lost virginity – Chuck Norris went and got it back. Chuch Norris slams the revolving door. When Chuck Norris does push-ups, he doesn’t push himself up – he pushes the Earth down.
@Rhindon - @CuddlyKat - You can always check the official Chuck Norris website @ http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/
@KnightInCROATIANarmor - Er…these are Chuck Norris ORIGINALS. I made them up on my own. They aren’t copied from anywhere.